Historians have done this by examining personal letters and diaries of individuals from previous centuries. We are happy to have papers detailing the personal lives of a married couple, Emm Potter and Roger Lowe, who met in the 1660s in England.
Roger was learning a trade; he was learning to be a mercer. A ‘mercer’ is someone who works with fabrics. He was progressing through the system in which one begins as an apprentice, advances through a series of stages including ‘journeyman,’ and then finishes as a ‘master.’
Some English towns had a regional holiday called the ‘wakes.’ In the town of Ashton, the Ashton Wakes was celebrated on the third Sunday in September. Concerning Roger Lowe, historian Paul Griffiths notes that
It was in an alehouse during Ashton wakes that he first plucked up the courage to talk with Emm Potter his future wife.
Roger Lowe was not a major historical person. That’s what makes this event important: we see how ordinary people met, fell in love, and married. They were not the rich and famous, not the kings and queens, but the ordinary working people. Roger and Emm represent the vast majority of ordinary English folk of their era.
Significant in the marriage of Roger and Emm is that the society of the time gave her the power to accept or reject Roger’s offer of marriage. Historian Olwen Hufton writes:
Most young people, wherever they lived in western Europe, sought to bring their marriage plans together in their mid-twenties. Roger Lowe, an apprentice mercer, felt he was approaching the time for marriage in 1663 when he saw reasonable prospects of the mastership and a livelihood. However, he waited five years to wed Emm Potter, whom he met in the company of friends and relatives in an alehouse during Ashton Wakes in 1664. His courtship of Emm consisted of walks and drinks in the company of friends as well as escorting her to weddings and funerals. At the latter he also met her parents. Emm waited, however, before making up her mind.
By contrast, American society of the early 21st century has reduced the woman’s power in social relationships. Many couples live together before marriage, which reduces the social leverage of the woman.
Note that an ‘alehouse’ is considered a reasonable place for people of different genders to meet. The consumption of alcohol was done in moderation, in well-lit institutions with windows, during daylight hours.
The psychology of alcohol in England in the 17th century, compared to America of the 21st century, was much more likely to avoid both addiction and excess.
Comparing America of the 21st century with England of the 17th century, we see that Roger Lowe was taught by society to respect the will of the woman, and to respect her honor.
Despite narratives which focus on the concept of marriages arranged for money, power, land and politics, the reality for the vast majority of English people was marriage based on mutual consent and love.
The only people who did endure negotiated weddings for land, money, power, and politics were the thin layer at the top of society - the “one percent” - but, happily, the “99%” were able to marry voluntarily for love.
Of course, the popular phrase “one percent” and “99%” are not exact mathematical measurements, but merely hyperbole reflecting the small number of aristocrats and royals at the upper levels of society.
As it turns out, being one of the “upper crust” was a pain: you didn’t get to marry the person you loved.
The people of that time and place understood marriage as a free choice to give your life away to another person, to surrender your own desires for the well-being of another: it was not a right, but rather the giving up your rights. Marriage is freely letting go of any claims you might make, and offering your service to help another person.
Marriage, then, at the time of Roger Lower and Emm Potter, observed the will and humanity of the woman in a way which has sadly since then decreased in frequency.